Thursday, July 29, 2010

Why most relationships don't work OR Adam trying to act like he is a relationship expert when he can't date a girl for more than 2 month (its true)

So as someone who gives relationship advice to friends and acquaintances who seem in need of some help in their relationships I figure it would be a good idea to give my thoughts on why I think most relationships don't work and usually end with someone getting hurt. Basically it boils down to people not being on the same page. Now for those who don't like analogies or metaphors, I'll make it even easier for you to understand. People need to be at the same exact commitment level in the relationship for most of the time while being in a relationship with the other person or it won't work. It for example the girl is way more committed to the relationship working than the guy it will end, probably at the fault of the guy saying or doing something that the girl thinks is completely wrong for this very serious and committed relationship. Now if two people are on the same commitment level for the majority of the time spent in the relationship, it will probably end up in marriage.

Lets use a recent relationship I had as an example. This girl named Erin and I dated for almost 2 months, and it was and still is my longest lasting relationship I've ever had so far. Now at the start me and Erin were on the same commitment level but then there grew a disdain for each others life goals and future plans, and she got upset because whenever she said, she could see herself living in a certain area, I would say, I could never see myself there, which is true, one time it was Montana, who wants to move there? There is nothing there, just mountains, I would move there if I wanted no one to bother me at all. So towards the end of the relationship, she mentioned this isn't working and pointed out examples like that, and I said who knows where either of us we'll end up but maybe this will work for the time being. That was stupid to say because then all the next week I knew I had to end this and I did the next Friday I think it was and we basically talked each other into relationship because she felt some of the same anxiety and we finally the first time in awhile on the same page and both knew we should not be together because it wasn't going to go anywhere.

I know this is one example and every relationship is different in numerous ways but honeslty it always boils down to commitment level. Not both people to need to be all in to the relationship for it to work, if you both want moderate commitment it will work. The problem always comes when one wants more commitment and the other isn't willing to reciprocate. Look at any relationship, look at when they start to fall apart, its when one wants something in the relationship that the other doesn't, simply said.

Is there more to it, probably but when you boil it down to brass tax, that is what makes and breaks relationships, so when you feel a difference in commitment level from your significant other over a long a period of time, week to a month, time to cut her loose. Unless he/she says she has some things to sort and really is sort things out in his/her mind, that commitment level you once had, probably won't be re-kindled, it happens thats life.

Until next time...Stay Safe

1 comment:

Tang said...

It might also be as simple as what part of your life you are in and how a possible 'pre-planned life map/path' we are at today. Some people want and do get married by the time they are 19; others wait it out until 30 or even later. Priorities when you are 16 are much, much different than when you are 24, but I think you knew that one.

I'm not completely with the committement level unevenness -> force breakup. Maybe you focused too much on everything different and missed the 'more important stuff': what you enjoyed together or had in common. Forcing it to work is as bad as forcing it to end... find the middle, and if by all means you still cannot find common ground there, then, yes, maybe it's time to move on.

Hope that helped.