Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Eventually I want this blog to up positive and uplifting and clearly I am not doing a good job of that. I am in a very critical stage in my life on will affect it for awhile and this blog post certainly isnt helping that situation at all. But thank you to those who have shown encouragement despite my words may have enraged you or others. I hope that you continue to see what I post here and to stay in touch. Again I can't stress enough I sincerely apologize if I caused you any pain through my writings.
Monday, January 18, 2010
So last night at small group, one I go through my church The Rock, and I felt so out of place. I recently decided I am going to pull away from The Rock and seek out another church. I arrived at the location and really thought I shouldn't have gone and could have had more fun elsewhere. As a few more people got there, I started to find myself doing voice overs in my head outlining what I knew and thought of everyone in the small group, very similar to the ones that Christian Bale's character did in American Psycho. I have written these down and will post them in one year, so that will keep you stayed tune. It made me know I need to move on, even during the lesson I couldn't bring myself to focus on the lesson because I have heard it before and felt I already practice it. The lesson was about being hospitable to your fellow man, I don't want to sound arrogant but I feel I already practice it, I know I should do it more but sometimes its not always possible. Over the course of the year in this small group, I feel I have not been challenged by the lesson, half the time we aren't learning we are serving the neighborhood around where we meet, which is good but my opinion is we should be learning and digging deeper.
I like the people in the group but how we function as a small group and how when people stop coming no one except me or one of the girls ever question where they are, talk about leaving someone behind :( I was excited for this small group when it started but that excitement has all but dwindled away, because it was not what I had expected.
So now I am faced with the decision of how soon to fully unplug from the rock, I want to by the end of the month but I know it wont be until the end of February. I checked out a huge mega church on Sunday with a friend but I feel I more comfortable in a slightly smaller arena. So I am checking out the church I went to before I started at The Rock, Mercy Vineyard, I feel I never gave that church a chance because I never checked out on of their small groups and really want to this time around to discover the community aspect of it.
So thats my story of the start of the end of my tenure at The Rock
Saturday, January 16, 2010
Even though my job is boring, seemingly lame, very repetitive, I absolutely love it. It is just what I need right now as I sort out what exactly I want to do with my life. For the longest time I wanted to be a sports video journalist but knowing what I know about the industry makes me less passionate about it. I could still see myself going into that profession but right now I am not willing to leave my life here in Minneapolis.
As I have thought more and more about this, a small part of me finds myself wanting to go back to school to get my PhD so I can achieve my dream, teach animation history in a university settingbe, this dream seems so far out because of the work and money involved. I am way too far in debt to go back to school, if I were to pursue this I would want to work and pay off all my debt I got for my undergrad, and then look into the possibility of going back to school.
Its not exactly a job but I give it as much attention and that is concerning my YouTube channel. I love doing the daily vlog show, I don't care if I don't become the next big thing on You Tube (though I would love to) but I entertain a select group and every time I see a comment or a 5 star rating on a video it makes me smile, because some one out there cares about my boring so-called-life and for that care to watch my videos I am extremely greatful. I do want to do more than vlogs but I need to find ways to make more time and get more motivated to do so.
Since ending my college career, I feel a lot of friendships I formed in college have gone away and part of it is my fault for not staying in touch but also on the others part for not staying in touch either, and it makes me wonder how geniune many of those friendships especially those of which where I have attempted to contact them but gotten little or no response, was I living a life filled with empty friendships, because it sure feels like it now.
Since discovering an amazing online community via BlogTV, I feel I have more fun “hanging” out with them than I do when I catch up with real life friends. There can be theories that I don't act like my true self when I interact with people online. But that leads me to wonder what is my true persona. In 2009, I felt I had so many different parts of my life I forgot what my true persona was. Slowly I am regaining this and I know my identity should be in Christ but I want to show who I really am at the same time.
I really didn't think too much about this concept of what my true persona is until I was inspired by the theory of simulacra outlined in one of my classes I took last spring. It really made me think of who the real me is because I act different in so many ways in so many different social circles, and it makes me sad because I feel I slightly act fake in certain situations because of people I surround myself with that I shouldn't be around because our true persona's don't match up very well. The past couple of weeks I have been trying to be myself around everyone I am around, but sometimes I feel uncomfortable because some of the things I say might be looked down upon by certain individuals because it doesn't line up with how they think I should act, which doesn't make much sense I know, but to me it has become all too clear. This is something I have always struggled with just haven't noticed as much since I moved to Minnesota because in college there is always someone that you know to hang out with but now in the real world my social circles feel more limiting.
Another feeling I have gotten from some is that some people give off a vibe that I failed because I didn't do a year of ministry in Miami and for awhile that is how I felt mentally. But God made it clear that I wasn't to go and now that I didn't go, I am glad He has me on this path. I have learned so much more about myself and my faith staying in Minneapolis than what I think I would have in Miami. That leads me to my next section.
For the past year I have fully committed myself to The Rock, a church that I have made some great friendships in and learned a lot about my faith and finally made the decision to get baptized this past December, which is something I had been thinking about a long time but didn't feel was necessary until one of the Pastors, Karl, read some scripture that basically said to me I should do it. But I have also realized since Faithwalkers, a conference I went to in December with my church, that has made it very clear, The Rock is not the church for me in the long run. I've known this for quite awhile but I always said its good for me at this point in my life, well certain things tell me its time to slowly move away from being committed to The Rock. Some of their policies on certain issues I cannot bring myself to agree with, I won't go into them here because I feel it would be bad mouthing the church, which by no means is it a bad church whatsoever, but it is not the church I could ever see myself growing old in and raising a family. I don't exactly how long I will keep attending The Rock and being involved but it won't be too long before some of the friendships I have developed there, will start to dissipate. Honestly that was the hardest thing to cope with is realizing I will lose those friendships once I stop going to The Rock as regularly. I will certainly still attend a Friday night service here and there but only when I can. I will miss a lot of things about being involved at The Rock but I know in my heart that moving on is the right thing to do, who knows God may change me completely and lead me back there one day.
More importantly I need to analyze my relationship with God, and to be quite honest, its been better. I am not consistent at all with my quiet times and that has definitely had an affect on how act towards certain things and how I pray less and less. I still feel close with God and trust Him to lead me where I need to go in life but other than this mental tug of war on where to go to church I don't pray that often. Through this blog I definitely want to share what I learn from the scripture I read and what thoughts or feelings are produced through prayer, this part of my blog is inspired by my friend Katy who uses her blog for sharing what she reads in her quiet times.
So those are the major areas in my life and where I am at in each one. I am sure I left things out but will cover them down the road. This won't be daily like my vlog but definitely 4 to 5 times a week at least.
Thanks for reading.
Introduction To My Blog or My Start Into Getting Back Into What Used to Be a Passion Of Mine, Writing
Welcome to my blog
So here it is a blog started by me, Adam Wells, daily vlogger extraordinaire, now entering the world of online text. What can be expected here:
Thoughts that are better conveyed via text
Deeper thoughts and rants that just don't fit with being discussed on the daily vlog show.
Possibly photography of what ever I encounter
If I feel what I am writing should be heard read aloud I'll record myself reading it and embed the audio clip.
Either today or tomorrow I'll do a post detailing where I am at in life, could be long and deep we'll see. So enjoy because this well definitely be a positive and enjoying experience for me as well as you the reader.